tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 17, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
the indians. >> cleveland is one win away. >> stephen: antonia, what's up with these pants? >> what do you mean? >> stephen: these pants are clearly rigged. they used to fit me but now 'r somebody rigged them. >> who would have rigged them? >> stephen: the international bankers, clintons, media. have you got a better explanation as to why the pants are rigged? >> maybe you gained weight? >> stephen: who got to you? okay? go get me some pants! go get me some non-rigged pants and a non-rigged tie! this one's got chicken grease on it! >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert.
o'reilly, randall park, musical guest bob weir, and special appearance by president barack obama. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hi, everybody! i got to throw in a slider! good stay you again! welcome to "the late show," everybody! thank you so much! oh! good to be here, folks. i'm stephen colbert. good to be back. this election continues to be
the billy bush locker-bus came out, trump has been fending off attacks like a woman meeting donald trump. ( laughter ) ( applause ) there's the woman who sat next to him on a plane, a "people" magazine reporter, a contestant on "the apprentice," and a former miss arizona, who described trump's behavior backstage at the miss usa pageant. >> he just came strolling rightn there was no second to put a robe on or any sort of clothing or anything. some girls were topless. other girls were naked. >> stephen: okay, that sounds bad, mr. trump. do you have a response? >> lies, lies. no witnesses. no nothing. all big lies. >> stephen: okay, lies. was there anyone backstage at this pageant who could
>> i'll go backstage before a show and everyone is getting dressed and everything else, and i'm allowed to go in because i'm the owner of the pageant and, therefore, i'm "inspecting it." they're standing there with no clothes-- is everybody okay? and you see these incredible looking women. and, so, i sort of get away with things like that. ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: folks, folks, folks -- what are you going to do? it's a classic case of she said, he said -- ( laughter ) and this has led to a freefall in the polls. well, trump has an explanation, tweeting: "the election is absolutely being rigged by the dishonest and distorted media pushing crooked hillary -- but also at many polling places. sad!" yes, even at polling places. the election is being rigged against donald trump! i heard that on november 8,
booths and, with a secret ballot, collude to defeat trump. and why? so they'll get stickers. ( laughter ) "i rigged." >> i think that's what it says. i'm not entirely sure. now, trump has tweeted multiple times about the media rigging the election, and he's right. from day one, the media rigged this election in favor of donald trump. you can't turn on the tv without seeing trump. he's like the geico gecko, but moreto ( laughter ) in fact, experts have estimated he's gotten nearly $3 billion in free advertising. and that doesn't even count the money he's going to make after the election selling his all-in-one-solution for retrieving stray cats. just grab them with a "trump brand pussy-grabber." ( laughter )
order yours today. and the media's not the only unfair advantage trump claims hillary is getting. on saturday, he said that hillary might be using drugs to help her performance in the debates. >> i don't know what's going on with her, but at the beginning of her last debate, she was all pumped up at the beginning, and at the end, it was like, huh, take me down. >> stephen: yeah. remember what she said about her debate strategy. >> when they go low, we get high. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: i heard! those are your words, madam!
( laughter ) that took me by surprise, that joke. so, fraudulent voters, the media, drugs, and women are all against trump. but that's just the tip of the iceberg. trump knows these accusations of sexual misconduct are really being concocted by sinister forces. >> the massive international corruption of the clinton machine. we've seen this firsthand in the hillary clinton meets in secret with international banks to plot the destruction of u.s. sovereignty in order to enrich these global financial powers, her special interest friends, and her donors. >> stephen: okay, i'm on board so far. but how did this conspiracy work?
board. thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ) now, remember, let me break this down for you. this supposed sex scandal can all be explained with a venn diagram. according to donald trump, the media is colluding with the clinton machine. all right? ( laughter ) and -- stay with me. and the clinton machine is colluding in secret with international bankers and special interests. all to pave over the anti-clinton revelations from wikileaks, and point the blame
( cheers and applause ) right there! right there! all right here! ( applause ) right there! this is happening! this is happening! ( applause ) this is happening! oh, my god! ( laughter ) oh, my god! the plot to make him look like a sexual harasser is coming from inside donald trump's penis ( laughter ) now, i'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that cbs blurred some or all of this image-- but i can assure you, like a rearview mirror, objects on the chalkboard are smaller than they appear. ( laughter )
notorious! it all makes sense! who made donald trump walk into that miss universe dressing room? ( laughter ) who made him brag on that bus? ( laughter ) who's idea was it to run for president in the first place? ( laughter ) ( applause ) i mean -- ( applause ) there is no other way to say it -- it's been under our nose the whole time. say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ? ?
( cheers and applause ) good to see you again. >> jon: good to see you. >> stephen: you know where that chalkboard would not be blurred? on my live election night special on showtime, 11:00 p.m. on the east coast, 8:00 p.m. in the west. on thish i will not be drawing penises, but there will be penises. ( laughter ) folks, there are a lot of signs the economy is improving, but there are still a lot of people out there struggling to find work. did you know unemployment is currently 100% among america's billy bushes? ( laughter ) and a friend of the show is about to lose his job, so last week i helped him transition to his second career.
>> stephen: mr. president. good to see you again, sir. >> stephen tephen. >> stephen: always the best. how did you get in here? >> stephen: oh, just-- you know, i'm always-- interested in talking to the leader of the free world. look, i am so thrilled to join you here at carnegie mellon university. and just like all the students out there taking part in the white house frontiers conference, you too will soon be looking for a new job. isn't that interesting? >> that is true. >> stephen: and i am honored that you asked me here to help. >> stephen, i didn't ask you here to help. i still don't know how you got in here. >> stephen: it'ska all right? why don't you have a seat? >> i'm already sitting. >> stephen: good. see it's starting off very well already. and i think maybe we should start with a practice interview and i've got just the man who could help you. excuse me one second. >> stephen? >> stephen: yes sir, just a moment. >> hello. >> hello. >> i'm randy. i'm the officer manager. >> hello, randy. >> stephen: all right. this is going to go very well. >> are you-- >> stephen: okay. >> --intending to-- help me sharpen my skills-- when i go in for an interview? is that-- your intention here?
>> stephen: we're here to find out what you're gonna do for a living, okay? >> all right. let's try it out. >> stephen: 55. tough time to start over for a man. okay. i have a copy of your resume here. why don't you hand it to me as if you were applying for a job. go ahead and do it. that's good. you're a natural. ok. hello, mr. o'balmer. am i pronouncing that correctly? >> close enough. >> stephen: okay. let's see, papapapapa i don't see any promotions for the last eight years. that's not always good. can you explain that? >> honestly, there wasn't a lot of room for advancement in my last job. powerful position was my wife. >> stephen: oh okay. ah, good. uh-huh. is it a twofer? can we get both of you, by any chance? >> doubtful. >> stephen: okay. so tell me why you're leaving. you say you're not being terminated, but it sounds like you can't stay. is that true? >> well, i'm leaving because it's required by the 22nd amendment of the united states constitution. >> stephen: okay. little tip. when you say staying in your job would be unconstitutional, what employers hear is that you stole office supplies.
so i'd gloss over the rest of that, ok? >> ok. >> stephen: and doesn't say here. where were you born? ( laughter ) >> really? >> stephen: is this the longest form of this resume available? >> why don't we move on? >> stephen: okay, good. describe, if you can, the type of office you would like to work in? >> well, i was hoping for a nice corner office. or at least an office that has corners in it. >> stephen: can you tell me about some of your accomplishments? and keep in mind it's important to describe them in such a way that it highlights how your experience mightre >> okay, well-- i brokered international deals that slowed the impact of climate change and prevented iran from acquiring a nuclear weapon. >> stephen: okay, let's change that to "proficient in microsoft excel." anything else? >> well, i reopened relations with cuba for the first time in 50 years. >> stephen: i'd call that one "conversational spanish." si? okay. it says here-- let me see if i got this right. it says here you saved the american auto industry.
change that to "drives stick." >> stephen: oh, that's good. that's good. in case you want to be a long haul trucker. okay. it also says here you-- you helped tens of millions of americans with their healthcare. >> you bet. >> stephen: okay, let's test that out. it hurts when i do this? >> don't do that. >> stephen: okay. good. do you have any awards or commendations? >> well, i have almost 30 honorary degrees and i-- i did get the nobel peace prize. >> stephen: oh really? what was that for? >> to be honest, i still don't know. >> stephen: okay, good. all right. and have you ever had to fire anyone? >> no i usually let seal team six handle that. >> stephen: okay, outsourcing. okay good. now, social media, very hot. do you have any experience with that? like twitter? >> well, i have 77 million followers. does that count? >> stephen: that's very impressive. how'd you get so many? >> executive order. >> stephen: really? >> and photos of cats. >> stephen: oh, smart. now, these days every business wants to appeal to the millennials. you know what millennials are. >> i think so.
how do you plan to get their attention? >> well, i tell them straight up that this is the most important election of their lifetimes. that they have the opportunity to make history. and that the results in november could change their lives forever so they have to get out there and vote. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i'm sorry. i didn't catch all of that. did you know there's a snapchat filter that gives you a flower crown? >> of course i know that, stephen. >> stephen: okay. let's be honest with ourselves, okay? what would you say your biggest weakness is? >> well, sometimes-- when i talk-- i take-- too many pauses. >> stephen: okay. in three words or less what's a common criticism you have for others in the workplace? >> i cannot stand it when people reduce complex ideas to some simplistic catch phrase. >> stephen: we can't accept that
>> stephen: okay. let's see. almost done. do you have a busy schedule? am i keeping you from something? >> you are. >> stephen: okay. is there anyone we can talk to for a character reference? >> i know several turkeys that owe me a favor. >> stephen: all right. good to know. and how do you like to spend your time? do you have any hobbies? >> you know what i really love doing? is encouraging the youth of america to get out and vote this november so that the good work that we've done over the past eight years can continue on into the future. >> stephen: so no whittling or anything like that? >> no-- >> stephen: okay. all right. and-- now sir, because we are on a network television show, i cannot allow you to endorse a candidate right now. but i do-- i would like to ask you about your choice of snacks. could i do that? >> sure. >> stephen: all right great. i have two choices for you here. would you care for an extra fiber nutrient bar, which has traveled to more than one
golden retriever hair, filled with bile that i wouldn't leave alone with the woman i love? >> well, i think i'll go with the fiber nutrient bar. >> stephen: interesting. okay. so, ultimately, what do you want to be? >> done with this interview? >> stephen: okay, great. before we wrap up any questions for me? >> i'm still wondering how did you get in here? >> stephen: that's an excellent question. inquisitive. we like that. okay. fantastic. well, that all checks out, mr. president. we'd like to but first we have to have the mandatory company physical. if you'll just-- relax and put on that gown over there we will get going. >> i think we're done here. >> stephen: i have warm hands. ( cheers and applause ) thank you! thank you mr. president! >> stephen: we'll be right back with bill o'reilly. ?
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>> stephen: i understand. you have been on my show four times and i always start with the same question. bill, what the hell is going on. >> i know. >> stephen: do you understand what's going on? >> i do. >> stephen: please explain it to us. >> all right. >> stephen: is this election rigged? trump is not saying it might be rigged. he's saying it is rigged. is it rigged? >> in a traditional ( laughter ) >> i believe polling is fairly accurate on questions, everybody is angry and mad. >> stephen: some people are angry, some people are scared. >> disincanted. >> stephen: or disgusted. all right. >> stephen: well, you know, but honest, it's all the same emotion but they near to happy emotions. >> in an environment they're not accepting of the other side.
candidates. you have secretary clinton who has a long history of being controversial, and then you have the new guy comes in and he wipes out all the traditional politicians, trump, because people are angry at the traditional politicians. it's not that he did anything so extraordinary, it's just they hate everybody else and don't know him as a politician. >> stephen: don't you think it's rigged? jeb bush isa right it's rigged. it's rigged in the primaries because the news media all want trump on air. >> trump is seven points down. the only chance he has to win is to win on three or four issues he can get across in the last three or four weeks of the campaign saying, look, i'll do this or that for you. nobody cares about the rigged stuff, and he wastes a lot of time doing that. >> stephen: what about the
somebody else's show -- are you going to on somebody else's show but mine? >> if it was smart, it was my show. >> stephen: you said there are at least three media organizations that ordered employees to destroy trump. who are they. >> i told the person who asked me i wouldn't say because the people who told me will not come and say who they are. they're anonymous sources. i don't use anonymous sources. >> stephen: you say it's it with any -- >> no. and i don't care if you believe me or not -- >> stephen: of course we believe you, you're bill o'reilly. you're in the no spin zone. >> i don't use anonymous sources, i do believe these three media stations despise trump across the board --
>> yes ( applause ) >> stephen: there we go. you guys have gone head to head a few times. >> the interesting thing about fox news and chris wallace will be moderating the debate wednesday night is there is a lot of division about donald trump. it's not a trump network. people like him, don't like him. it makes him easy to watch. i won't mention the other networks who are actively it's depending on who you're watching and what it's on. >> stephen: the marching orders come from the top -- >> there is no top. >> stephen: is there any difference with roger ailes out? >> you, it's decentralized more. >> stephen: is your show different? >> no, my show's a part where we have our own floor.
lock? you have to be deloused and make sure no diseases get into the no spin zone? >> i have been on fox 20 years and they said let's get o'reilly and his crew as far away as we can. >> stephen: what happened to the first four years? >> we weren't on the cable networks so they didn't take because they didn't know what fox news was. >> stephen: vaudeville. i was juggling. only johnnyrs of a winning streak, so i'm really blessed. >> stephen: congratulations. thank you. ( applause ) >> stephen: las last week, you interviewed trump and pence. >> yep. >> stephen: they're not always agreeing. >> no, because pence is a more traditional politician who i think cringes a little when trump throws the big bombs. >> stephen: he looks like the saddest man in the world. >> who, trump? >> stephen: pence!
he lives in indiana! he's all over the place! he's having fun! >> stephen: indiana's a lovely, lovely state and we welcome their viewers. ( laughter ) >> i think pence is having a very, very interesting time. >> stephen: having defend the billy bush bus? >> look, that's not easy to do, but he's done it very professionally, hasn't he, pence? >> stephen: have you ever been in a looker room with trump? >> to, i'm very careful about who i go to the with. >> stephen: does fox have a locker room? >> no, we have a foyer. >> stephen: foyer, a french word! very elitist. >> monet ripoffs there. >> stephen: you're number one for 16 years, you get a fo foye. we have a cul-de-sac. >> a little like colbert, the french thing at the end.
( laughter ) i want to talk about chris wallace and the upcoming debate. >> good. >> stephen: back with more bill o'reilly. you should retire that, too. hmm. you know... ...i know. new pcs are lightning fast to play 4k video. and yet here is the world's fastest swimmer on the world's slowest computer. you know about it, now do something about it. upgrade to a new pc powered by intel. ? you upgraded? it keeps me humble. ? ? ? ? ? ?
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( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hey, everybody! we're here with our friend bill o'reilly. all right. chris wallace is a first time moderator for the debate. yeah. >> stephen: this wednesday we'll be live. >> for the show, exactly. >> stephen: what do you think each candidate has to do? what does trump and hillary have to do? >> wallace is a good moderator because he's a tough guy like his father, mike wallace. he's not going to brook the nonsense. >> stephen: no brooking. no. there will be a little more credibility to it, i think. it's hard when you have two people moderating the at the bait. wallace will be centralized and
so that's a low standard. you say he has questions? ( laughter ) >> he'll go in with questions he wants answered not by committee. i should have been more articulate on that. these committee questions are ridiculous. anyway, if i'm secretary clinton, i ignore donald trump, i ignore him because her big deficit, and the polls shouldn't be this close, the abc poll has just 4. look right into the camera and say, look, i'm not the dragon lady they portray me to be, and here's how i want to help you. if she ignores trump, it becomes vaudeville. if i'm trump, stop whining. this is thee the three things i have for you tonight -- >> stephen: it's rigged, it's
every time he whines it's -- baaaa! >> stephen: a shock collar like you get for the dog. >> both candidates have a chance to win them over if they convince voters they want to help them. the other stuff, we know it. >> stephen: what's the question chris wallace should ask secretary clinton about? >> the open borders things on the wikileaks, first. if hillary clinton is saying i want an open border where anybody do anything, she needs to explain that. >> stephen: she's saying that to goldman sachs, not the american people. >> okay, that's fine. ( laughter ) if you're trump, you don't have any experience, you're a businessman and you say you're going to do all these things. well, i want tooth today in the third debate -- i'm chris wallace now -- you want to take their oil? how? >> stephen: we're going to be tough, chris. we've had bad leadership, we're
playing is over. >> you have your band and as soon as he starts that stuff, they start playing. as soon as he starts that stuff, that band starts playing. ? >> sounds good. >> stephen: ask me another tough question. >> mr. trump, you say mexico is going to pay for the wall on the border. how? >> stephen: they're going to. look, we've got a trade deficit with mexico -- don't play me off! you're fired! you're fired! >> jon: hey! that's how you do it. >> stephen: let's talk about this, okay. >> yeah. >> stephen: you got the new book called "killing the rising sun." >> right. >> stephen: okay, you killed kennedy, you've killed lincoln, patton. >> reagan last night. >> stephen: congratulations. "killing the rising sun" is kind
what's wrong with you? you see the latle atom bomb -- the little atom bomb there? ( laughter ) >> stephen: is there a scandal here. >> no scandal, all right? you desperately need to read this book or have someone read it to you, all right? ( laughter ) >> stephen: will you? you can't afford me. >> stephen: all right, i understand. >> this book puts you right on the ground drops on hiroshima. >> stephen: really? you want to know what they experienced so it doesn't happen again, colbert. >> stephen: do you think it was the right thing to do? >> i wouldn't be here. my father was on the way to japan. >> stephen: your father was -- yeah, on a transport ship taking the marines. >> stephen: chances are a lot of the marines would have died
another guest. >> stephen: the book is "killing the rising sun." bill o'reilly, everybody! we'll be right back with randall park. ? ( cheers and applause ) i'm hall of famer jerry west and my life is basketball. but that doesn't stop my afib from leaving me at a higher risk of stroke. that'd be devastating. i took warfarin for over 15 years until i learned more about once-daily xarelto... a latest generation blood thinner. then i made the switch.
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? ( cheers and applause ) expwhrmplet. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guest tonight is a comedian who stars in the series "fresh off the boat." please welcome randall park. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the show. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: nice to see ya. you have the show third season, started "fresh off the boat." >> yes. >> stephen: you were hilarious on "veep."
( applause ) >> stephen: a premise to the question i'm about to ask you is you are korean-american. >> yes. >> stephen: but you play someone taiwanese. >> yes. >> stephen: and the show started off in taipei. >> we shot in taipei, yeah. >> stephen: did it worry you to be a korean-american to play someone who's taiwanese in taiwan? >> yeah, i wondered i didn't know it would be a problem. our show airs out there and a lot of people love the show. a lot of people were super nice to me. >> stephen: you're popular not just for the show, though. >> yeah. well, because our show airs out there in the news and in the newspapers, there is been a lot of stories about how i look a lot like this former mayor of
i don't look like him! ( applause ) >> stephen: i don't see it, right? i don't see it at all. >> yeah, he actually came and visited the set and we shook hands and i'm, like, we don't look alike. ( laughter ) >> stephen: no, i don't see it at all. >> no, not at all. but kim jung who was in the episode came up and said, you guys look exactly alike and i said, no, we don't. >> stephen: i understand you had another thing to be afraid of when you were there. >> well, i wasn't afraid but i did think for a second, maybe i'll get kidnapped, i didn't know, because to have the whole interview thing. >> stephen: the interview with seth rogen and james franco
un. >> yes. >> stephen: you went full dinero and gained a bunch of weight. >> yeah. people said you will be safe, just don't go to asia. >> stephen: tats a big part of the planet. >> yeah. but i did not go to asia. and this taiwan tripped, i wondered, woul i did not. >> stephen: how much of it were you high? just asking. >> a little bit. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, before you started acting, the show is "fresh off the boat" but you're not. >> no, born and raised in l.a. >> stephen: your folks were. they came from korea. >> stephen: your first job was helping your father in his photography business?
still used film. >> he started it during the dawn of the digital age so we didn't have many customers but we had customers and i would help him out on the weekends and i saw a lot of -- you know, because when you're developing people's film by hand you have to see the photos so i got to see a lot of people's private lives. >> stephen: so people were taking -- >> well, a lot of sex photos. >> stephen: really, with yeah. and i don't know if it was -- i made an observation, i don't know if it was, like, the community his store was at or if it was just people who do one-hour photo, but one thing i noticed was there was a lot of hair, just a lot of hair. >> stephen: really? yeah. >> stephen: when was this? i was, like, were these taken in the '70s? because that's, like, a lot -- >> stephen: but the thing is when people come to pick up their photos, they have to know
>> yeah, yeah, and you would never any. some of these people were completely unassuming and i would be, like, here are your photos... ( laughter ) >> stephen: there's a lot of talk about diversity on television. >> yeah. >> stephen: and this show "fresh off the boat" is the first time there is an asian character -- >> or an asian family on network tv in over 20 years. >> stephen: since margaret shows all-american girl, ( applause ) >> yeah. sure proud of it. it's fantastic. >> stephen: lovely meeting you. thanks for being here. "fresh off the boat" airs tuesdays on abc. randall park, everybody! back with a performance by bob
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it takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. [ "on the road again," by willie nelson ] ? on the road again ? [ rear alert sounds ] [ music stops ] ? just can't wait to get on the road again ? [ front assist sounds ] [ music stops ] [ girl laughs ] ? on the road again ? ? like a band of gypsies we go down the highway ? [ beetle horn honks ] no matter which passat you choose, you get more standard features, for less than you expected. the 2017 passat s
? ? ? ? ? ? >> ? dig a hole, dig a hole in the meadow ? dig a hole in the cold, cold ground ? dig a hole, dig a hole in the meadow ? to lay my lily down to lay my lily down ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? the first time i saw my new- born girl ? she was pulling on her momma's hair ? the sun coming through the window
? with two pearl-handled pistols and a banjo on her knee ? dig a hole, dig a hole in the meadow ? dig a hole in the cold, cold ground ? dig a hole, dig a hole in the meadow ? to lay my lily down dig a hole, dig a hole in the ? meadow dig a hole in the cold, cold ? ground dig a hole, dig a hole in the ? meadow to lay my lily down ? to lay my lily down to lay my lily down ? to lay my lily down to lay my lily down ? ? to lay my lily down to lay my lily down ? ? to lay my lily down
>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be nick offerman, wayne gretzky, and morgan spurlock. now stick around for james corden and his guests, dakota fanning, john stamos, and shaquille o'neal. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right ? it's the late, late show